Free
by Mrs. Singing Violin
Summary: Mark's thoughts as he composes the letter Janeway reads in "Hunters" reveal a secret. After "Endgame," they reunite, and she reacts.
1. The Letter

Title: Free  
Author: Singing Violin  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Rating: T  
Summary: Mark's thoughts while composing the letter Kathryn reads in "Hunters."  
Feedback: Always appreciated.  
Author's Note: Sorry for the momentary delay on my continuing longfics. I will get back to them shortly. This one's for Hestia and anyone else who can never forgive Chakotay for C7, and thinks Janeway deserves better.

"Hey, you never bother me. Except the way I like to be bothered."

Those were the last words I heard from the love of my life before she disappeared.

I am about to prove her statement false.

Kathryn Janeway is a force to be reckoned with. It wasn't easy to win her love, and when I finally had her in my arms, I was the luckiest man in the galaxy. She is so brilliant, so beautiful, so compassionate. The way she took care of me and of her dog showed me that she would, one day, be a great mother. That is, if she wanted to. And I hoped very much she would want to one day! I couldn't imagine raising anyone's children but hers. And she deserves to have the family she desires. She's given so much: to me, and to Starfleet, and to so many others. She deserves the best.

When I heard that _Voyager_ had disappeared, I held out hope for quite some time. I'd feel it if she were dead, wouldn't I? Everyone always says they _know_ when someone they love has died. Kathryn would laugh at the idea, I'm sure…her scientific mind will accept no silly notions with no factual basis. But when I beheld her for the first time, I believed in magic, because I felt it in my soul.

It was when Molly gave birth that I lost it. I saw those newborn puppies, and thought of the children we would never have, and I cried…I don't know for how long. Days, I think. But somehow, I still didn't accept that she was dead. Just that I wasn't going to see her for a while. It was hard not to go to the comm and try to raise her signal as I had so many times before. It felt like she was still there with me, even though she wasn't. The magic of Kathryn Janeway, protecting me even in her absence…

I joined a support group for those of us who were left behind. I saw many of the others fall in love, leave, let go. I couldn't do it. Even if I wanted to move on, Kathryn Janeway is unique. There will never be another woman who can live up to the standards she set. And honestly, I'm not really interested in looking. My wife-to-be is not to be replaced, ever. Just because we can't be together doesn't mean she hasn't possessed my heart forever.

Every night she comes to me in my dreams. I kiss her on the neck, just the way she likes, and she moans in ecstasy as we make love. And every morning, I wake up and find her absent, and I imagine she's just left early for work.

If only she'd ever had a day job where she could come home for dinner…the truth is, even when I had her, it wasn't for very long at a time. She was always off on missions, gone for months at a stretch. This was just a…longer absence than usual.

She'd come back…wouldn't she?

Four years after that fateful day when she told me I never bothered her, I found out for certain what my heart had known all along. How could I have ever doubted it? She was alive. I rejoiced. But she was still so far from home.

I thought about her situation. How, as captain, she would not be able to get close to her crew, not even with a ship full of people stranded halfway across the galaxy. She never did, and I had no doubt she would remain professional. She had to. And I thought about how, halfway across the galaxy, with no other human beings to turn to, they must be facing horrible hardships. I heard many of them had died.

I was so worried about her. Not for her physical safety, of course…she is the most capable starship captain I have ever met. But for her emotional well-being. _Voyager_ never had a counselor. They didn't even have a proper physician anymore, just some emergency medical hologram who probably knew nothing of psychology. My Kathryn is a rock when she needs to be, but she's human. I've seen her cry, and I've seen her in pain. She's not indestructible.

I wish so much that I could be there to hug her after her tougher missions, to kiss her and make her forget her troubles. But I can't.

Suddenly I know what I must do.

I write her a letter.

I tell her about Molly and the puppies, and how I found homes for all of them. I know that will make her smile. And then I tell her that I held out hope much longer than anyone else…this is also the truth. In fact, I am still holding out hope…but I can't let her know that. I can't have her waiting for me. If she needs a shoulder to lean on, I'm sure there are many available to her on that ship. But she won't let them help if she thinks she's being unfaithful to me.

I also tell her about a colleague of mine, with whom I've developed a friendship. She lost someone too. We are not in love. Neither of us wants another relationship, not now, and not for the future. But for the sake of the letter to Kathryn, we are married and planning a life together.

It breaks my heart to lie to the woman I love, and I don't even know if she'll get the letter, but I have to try.

I want her to be free. I want her to be free to fall in love with someone else. I want her to be happy. I love her too much to wish the pain of loneliness upon her. I will continue to hug her dog and dream of her every night. She is with me. But I have an easy life too; I am on Earth, surrounded by friends and family.

She is alone…except for her crew. She needs to let them help her. And she won't, as long as she thinks I'm waiting for her, expecting her to come home having been faithful for as long as it takes.

I can't let her torture herself like that. I want her to be touched, to be hugged, to be kissed. To be loved.

I know it will hurt her to read the letter, if she hasn't already moved on…and if I know my Kathryn, she hasn't. But hopefully, after she reads it, she will have a good cry on someone's shoulder, and maybe kiss him…or her…and realize that life can go on, that she can be a human being as well as a captain.

I hope to God I'm doing the right thing.

I press 'send.' And then I cry.


	2. Homecoming

Title: Free: Chapter 2  
Author: Singing Violin  
Series: Star Trek: Voyager  
Rating: T  
Summary: Mark and Kathryn's reunion after "Endgame."  
Feedback: Always appreciated.  
Author's Note: Sorry for the momentary delay on my continuing longfics. I will get back to them shortly. This one's for Hestia and anyone else who can never forgive Chakotay for C7, and thinks Janeway deserves better.

_Three years later…_

The news is unexpected and triumphant. My erstwhile fiancée has returned, along with her remaining crew, and the remaining crew of two other ships – one Starfleet, and one Maquis.

At once I hope she has found comfort in the arms of a crew member from one of the ships, and that she has still left her heart open, just a little bit, to welcome me back.

I know what I have done is unforgiveable, and if she chooses to shun me because of it, I will understand.

But I have to see her.

As she disembarks from her ship, surrounded by excited media, hoping to interview her, and what I can only presume are other friends and family of all the people who have returned home after such a protracted journey, I find myself shrinking into the crowd. For the moment, I am content to observe.

She is as beautiful as I remember, though she has visibly aged. Perhaps more than I might otherwise expected in the time she has been gone, but she has been through a harrowing experience. She has gained a bit of weight, I think, and I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one. I hope that it means she has been remembering to eat, and taking better care of herself.

But her eyes tell a different story. They are hollow, sad, remorseful. She smiles sweetly for the cameras, but I can tell it is just for show. I know my Kathryn better than anyone, and she isn't happy, and it breaks my heart. I was hoping she would have moved on, or at least forged some close friendships, but she looks lonely, and for the first time since I wrote her that letter, I want to cry again.

I make my way to the edge of the crowd where I know she will be exiting shortly.

She is understandably taken by surprise to see me.

Her eyes light up for only a moment before they turn dark again, tinged with perhaps even more sadness than before.

"Mark," she says, acknowledging my presence. She pauses for a moment, as if she can't think of anything to say. "Do you want to go somewhere and talk?"

I nod, and we make our way to a secluded area of a public park.

"How have you been?" she asks as we sit on the bench, side by side, as we have so many times before.

I smile sadly at her. "I've missed you," I reply honestly.

She seems relieved, and it is at that moment that I feel it is acceptable to reach out and hug her.

She returns the gesture, and she feels as warm and cozy in my arms as I remember. As I pull away, I look into those sad, tired eyes and I am in love all over again.

I lean forward and kiss her, and it is as electric as it once was. I have missed this so much.

But she pulls back, and I know immediately that I have crossed the line, a line I never had to worry about before.

She slaps me, and her eyes fill with tears. I didn't mean to hurt her, but I have, yet again.

"How dare you?" she asks angrily. "You're a married man!"

"Kathryn," I try, as calmly as I can manage while I massage my jaw where she has struck it. "I'm not married."

Her eyes grow wide, and her anger subsides momentarily. "You got divorced? Or, did she die in the war? Oh Mark, I'm so sorry!" She reaches out to hug me again, and I have to deny her.

I grab her hands in mine and hold them gently. She needs to know now. "I never got married," I confess. "I wrote that hoping that you would move on. I didn't know how long it would take you to get home, and I wanted you to be happy."

I can see the war within her. She is angry but, as I had hoped, at least a little touched by my gesture. "You lied to me," she whispers contemplatively, and then she closes her eyes momentarily in pain as she takes a deep breath. I've seen this kind of disappointment from her before, and I know how to deal with it.

"And you didn't take advantage of your freedom, did you? You were so determined to suffer for whatever sins you blamed yourself for…stranding the ship in the first place, allowing all those people to die, God knows what else." I know her well.

She seems about ready to slap me again, and I recoil slightly in anticipation, but instead she shrinks before me. The accusation has hit home. She knows I'm right. A tear trickles down her cheek and I resist the urge to wipe it away.

"I fell in love," she admits quietly, and this is a surprise. "Or at least, I thought I did."

I gulp. Maybe I have lost her forever after all. But if she were in love, why isn't she happy? "Tell me about him…or her?" I beg. "What happened?"

She gives a small chuckle through her nose. "Nothing happened."

I am relieved, and saddened. "Who was it?"

She pauses for a moment, obviously considering whether she can trust me. "I won't tell anyone," I reassure her. "This is between you and me. And you don't have to tell me."

She frowns. "Maybe I will tell you later, but not now. But anyway, he's with someone else. I'd thought…" Her voice trails off as more tears begin to form in her eyes, and I don't want to push her. She's obviously exhausted. I've seen her like this too. She needs a good night's rest and a cup of fresh coffee in the morning.

Would it be out of line to invite her over?

"Do you have somewhere to sleep tonight, Kathryn?" I ask hopefully.

She shakes her head.

"Would you like to stay with me and Molly? I'm sure she'd love to see you. I still have all your things. I didn't pack them away. I can stay in the spare room, or you could…"

She raises a finger to my lips to shush me. I think maybe she will kiss me again, but she shakes her head.

"While I would very much like that," she admits, "you lied to me, and I have to think about that."

I open my mouth to speak, but she quiets me again. "I just need some time. I know what you were thinking. I might have done the same thing, in your place. I don't know. I just know that I'm not sure you and I…that we're the same people we were seven years ago. I need some time."

I nod. "I understand." And I hope that, given time, she will forgive my transgression. It was wrong of me, and I know that now. I have brought her more heartbreak than had I told her the truth. "I'm sorry, for what it's worth."

She gives me that familiar half-smile that makes me want to kiss her again, but I squeeze my fists and restrain myself. "I know."

"You know where to find me," I remind her.

She nods and stands. "Goodbye, Mark. It was…good to see you."

Two days later I hear Molly bark excitedly and I hear her scamper to the door. This can only mean one thing.

My Kathryn is coming back to me.

I know it will be a long road to get back to where we were, but I also know I can traverse it, if given the chance.

When I look into her eyes as I open the door, I know she is giving me that chance.

"Hello, Mark," she says, smiling as Molly jumps on her.

Suddenly the future is ours again, and I rejoice.


End file.
